How I'm the dumbest smart guy you know

When I lived with Zack, he often told me I was the dumbest smart guy he knew. I don't remember if this was after I got locked out of the house naked, rode my bike from the living room to the basement, or jumped my Rav-4 on the dual slalom course. Maybe the night pictured on the left is what did it; Perhaps, it was after I "washed" the Rav-4.

Either way, Zack is right that I have history of doing things that most neanderthals have the cognitive capacity to realize isn't a good idea. Could this be a segue to a story? Could it? Did I do something stupid, read on and find out.

I went to the grocery store today... Very near me is a store much like a super-center (they should never be called super-Wal-marts all you people reppin' STL). The name of this store is Hiper - Bompreco. Bompreco (Goodprices) is a chain of grocery stores that were originally mercado (markets) then supermercados (I think you can figure that one out)... and in the last 10 or 15 years have begun opening hiper-bomprecos. Yes... it's better than a supermarket; It's "Hyper" Market! Just like a supercenter, at the Hiper you can buy clothes, toys, bikes, tools, groceries, and just about anything else you might need.

So when I say very near me. I mean about 1km (.66 miles). I mean it's easy to walk to it. So I peruse the store, begin filling my cart, pretty standard grocery store events. While in the salad dressing section, some guy notices I blend in with the white tile floor and comments to me about how much cheaper and larger the bottles of Ranch Dressing are in the US. I confirm in broken portuguese. I saw a hot white girl in the frozen foods section, that was cool. Haven't seen a hot white girl in awhile. By now it's noon and I haven't eaten breakfast yet (I woke up at 9). So I roll towards the checkout.

At checkout I casually whip out my wallet as I watch the cashier eating into it. Then I realize it's going to be way more than I have. In my famished state I have neglected to consider that R$120 does not go as far as $120. I begin to sweat... Luckily I know the command form of the verb to stop. It's written on all the roads and on stop signs.... "Pale! Eu não tenho dineiro." Luckily I stop him in time, apologize, and take what groceries I can pay for without any consideration of what I should actually be buying and what I'm actually getting. I definitely came home with spaghetti; but no sauce; a 6 pack of Beer, 2 5ths of Rum, a 12 pack of Coke... and no water (can't drink the tap); mayonnaise and meat, but no bread. Genius.

Now begins the real challenge... I have around $60 of groceries, a majority of which are jars, liquids, and other dense items, and I'm 1km from my apartment with no wheels. I had anticipated this before going and thought, "mmmah, it won't be so bad." So now it's around 1 PM, I'm very close to the equator and carrying over 50lbs in groceries a half mile home. I tuck the folder I bought into the back of my shorts so I can double bag the beer. By the time I round the first block I'm sweating, and my heart rate is rising. I must pass a boarding school that has a bunch of students hanging out in from because they nothing better to do today, the folder falls out of my butt. Apparently "ahhhh, fuck" translates in portuguese, because someone was kind enough to pick it up and put it in between my cramping fingers. I have to rest 4 times on the walk home. When I got to the apartment my heart rate was around 170 and my arms were shaking. This regiment belongs in Men's Health. Throw away your swiss ball and go buy food (depending on what you buy and how far you walk... this could open up a whole new list of catabolic foods).

Anyway, I went to another store and bought some coconuts to complement my pineapples and now I'm making piña coladas from scratch. Those probably aren't catabolic.

My shoulders are sore. Maybe I can drink the pain away.

( I know what you're thinking... where did he get that great Glamour shot?)